Its like mine never even existed. He never did. My Father by Yehuda Amichai. 8 existed, I didnt even knew the final total by then. During the first three to four months after her death I didnt really sleep that well and to this day have absolutely no idea how I functioned at work. Kerry your story really resonates with me. I learned of my fathers passing late last night, funeral this morning. My estranged father died January 22, 2017. If you were estranged from the deceased person, you might no longer be in contact or close with their family. I am struggling a little at the moment with the complete lack of acknowledgment from my extended family and in someways my spouse. Death closes the door on reconciliation. Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. Are there any books you have come across on this topic? At 18 I decided to cut ties. Despite not actually knowing the person that well your feelings, whatever they are, are still valid. I explained that it was final. Guilt overwhelmed me at one point as I recalled the unsent letter Id been considering writing to request that the two of us meet and see how things would go now that so much time had gone by since we parted ways. Many thanks for the Stand Alone info which I have registered for. All these years they though I didnt wanted anything with him because my mom (that is another type of abuse case) told me bad things about him as a kid, I never told them my stories of my chasing phase because I didnt wanted to hurt them, since they loved him, now is harder because now everybody is hurting and Im back at being the invisible one, the one that according to them hated him anyway, so or they try to fix what Im feeling sending me angel wings and stuff like that to represent him, or they tell me I feel how I feel because I didnt forgave him, when I was just protecting myself for being abandoned again for the time number 1000. It is not unusual for major events even a death to not be communicated. Fast forward to two weeks ago and he passed away and I have never felt sodding pain like this in all my life. I just found out 3 days ago that he had passed on May 12, 2020. I do t love my father and I never have but I was confused about how I felt when I saw him. Gather a family member or close friend and have a private time, memorializing the better moments of your lives and honoring the death. You will meet again someday. No one understands how I feel. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. Thank you for sharing this, I needed to read it. I tried to reach out to him about 2 years ago and I had no reply. I am married but no children . And I know the comment has already been made about feeling conflicted about whether or not I even deserved to feel that sadness. Its an unusual circumstance. My brother his wife, my nephew my two half sisters their partners and his brothers and sisters where all there at his passing. And, whilst I dont have guilt, the feeling of regret is huge. A troublemaker, a teacher, a friend. 08 Mar. He made a new family and actually told us he was given an ultimatum by his new wife and he chose her. Through all of this, my mom never said a bad word about him. I know karma is here for me, though I will face this head-on as he would want for me too. This first funeral poem celebrates kind, loving and supportive Fathers. Things are about to get really honest, personal and intense. I did not see my dad since he left when I was 3, and we were not particularly bonded and I dont remember it being loving. Your article made me realize i am not alone in the same thoughts but also it has made me realize that I can hopefully move on and let go. Communication in estranged family relationships is weak at best. Marie. For me it was a very private affair. So, thank you. Xx, Im so sorry for your loss, Dana. NO. Thank you for your comment and it is very interesting and has always been something I wondered about. I am so thankful I found this article and all of these comments to validate all my jumbled emotions. It was upsetting but Im so upset that his younger children were mentioned in his eulogy but not me. This article has actually made me cry. He did give me money for food and stuff but I had to shop cook and clean for myself from that age . So in a way I think I did not grieve how I needed to at the time. This is the first mention Ive ever seen on this topic, and I read it with interest. I havent had a relationship with him since I was 5, Im now 41. I had a child of my own and wanted to see if we could have some sort of relationship, he was a grandfather and I thought I owed it to my son to try and give him a relationship with him. We know we were better off without them but it doesnt help that feeling of loss x, Thanks Niki, I dont think you will know how you feel until it actually happens. Still, my door is always there and its always open. A vacation with the family can be more stressful than fun when everyone is crammed in a tiny hotel room. I am writing these words to talk about the death of estranged family members in an attempt to normalize it. How do I make decisions for a man that I never really knew. She cries.. I am truly sorry that the two of you never rebuilt your relationship in this life. Would he have been able to meet his grandson? It was his failing, not mine. It's a wonderful funeral poem for dads. What do you even say to someone who loses someone they didnt actually know? Its better with time, but as relieved as I am that Ill never receive another letter, Im sad for the loss of the dad I had for a spell and the dad he was and couldve continued to be. Thats every medical facilitys explanation these days as to how a person died. I distanced myself from him as he wasnt someone you could have a relationship with. Its upset me so much as if I didnt count. Honoring the death of a person who was difficult to love - A combo memorial service / shiva minyan can help you do so A few months ago, I had the complicated privilege of helping a family plan a memorial/shiva service for their father, who had died after a long illness, and after an even longer period of pain of estrangement from his four adult children, their spouses, and his grandchildren. Thank you Erica. When I had children I did let him meet them but felt he didnt deserve them as I didnt want him making promises he couldnt keep as he did when I was a child. Whatever negative experiences might have occurred have probably changed him as well. Like so many I need it to be validated, I would also warn anyone to try to handle anything they need done while they can, for their own sake as it is only us left holding the pain after trying to be brave/ strong and unemotional towards estranged parent for so long. . All Id ever really wanted to hear was Im sorry. Maybe my experience with it. I didnt feel anything. The parent may choose to create the distance. I think how can this man my mother loved be like this when she was so kind and good and caring . She let him have it right there on her front porch. I have felt not entitled to grieve but I am. He cannot help but have death on his mind. Do not assume that you were left out with evil intent. I did see my father occasionally up till I was about age 21 but he didnt really care or wasnt bothered about anything in my life. Years pass with some exchange of celebration cards etc given we lived 8-20 hrs drive apart then at times I lost contact and. Start Fresh. Guilty that I was disrespecting my dad and how dare i? Caroline (now 11) was a year old at the time. So I decided to walk away. I have to ask myself what I will do when he dies. Its like these men think, hey I messed up first time around so Im going to be really nice to my new kids and pretend the first one(s) never happened. I saw my father whom I know is dying. Indeed not only was I without a father but also grandparents. I burst into tears. The warmth of a summer sun, the calm of a quiet sea. I was actually startled by the news. R est in peace and know I will miss you every day. They married and we were a family of 4 again this time with a good man who wanted to be there. That must have been particularly hurtful to watch a distanced/ online funeral and here yourself be overlooked again. Im not writing about this to hurt anyones feelings. What Im trying to suggest is that, even if you would have taken the actions you regret not taking before he died, there is no guarantee that anything would have been different. His side of the family all lived there, and he relocated his car repair business to that area. 41 views, 1 likes, 1 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Lakeholm Church: April 2, 2023 - Palm Sunday I have to satisfy myself with the thought that he has missed out on getting to know my wonderful children and now my granddaughter. I said good bye to my mum on my own at the Chapel of Rest and didnt want to mourn in front of people at the funeral that I either didnt know, or didnt understand my situation. Reading this has helped me lots on a sad and confusing morning. I look back at my childhood and wish I had had a Daddy that would look after me, tell me about boys and teach me how to drive. My mourning has lessened greatly and I have healed immensely from the whole experience. This will probably be the last you hear from me. Xx. Maybe share how you feel so he can grow with you. I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry I did not reply sooner. Years went by and he didnt contact me. I felt hurt for my mum as well. Of course it is very different. Thank you so much for this post Erica! Its a loss that just goes on really, isnt it? I have fewer and fewer. I know I need to mourn. I felt guilty for accepting sympathy from someone who was grieving their REAL parent, but I shouldnt have. They had me a bit later in their lives. The man deserved the utmost respect. I thank God for him everyday. Fighting over a particular issue is the cause of many estrangements. Seeking to escape the responsibilities of parenthood, the adult abandons responsibilities and connections. There is a jewel in this story and that is I was so extremely fortunate to have my family as well as my dads family provide world-class, non-judgmental support to me. If you explore some research on this it may change the blame to understanding which could speed up the grieving process hopefully. I hope your father can rest in peace. I can relate to feeling guilt and responsible for not doing more, not caring more and its unfair as we cannot do anything once they have gone. But, I know there are many others out there who have very limited support and understanding to go through the unexpected shock and grieving process. Since the other children were older (the closest one to me was twelve when I came along), I was kind of like an only child, I guess you could say. He moved to an another state when I was 4. Hed remarried not long before and she has kids so now I have grandkids so he spent a lot of time talking about them instead. Wow. I am glad I have been able to help, even if in a small way. Ultimately I believe we are better off without them but thats little comfort really. He is old born 1931 so 89 now. My Dad left when I was 2. Because of that, the visits were skipped altogether. I did not expect to grieve and be devastated by the death of someone I had never loved, and had never had a relationship with me. Im grieving because he chose not to be here for his grandkids long ago. I never excused his behavior. That wasnt my experience. Houseman . Because that is not the sort of environment I want my kids around. I really thought I would be relieved when I found out he died. I just wanted to thank each of you! Well I dont feel like I will grieve but I know that something has also been lost a connection with my past a connection to my mother who I loved so deeply. There were times he would call my mom around the holidays and say he was sorry for what he had done and the pain he had caused. I know that I tried everything I could, it was him who didnt want to be in our lives. He had been feeling bad but didnt have health insurance or a way to get to the doctor. I needed this tonight. It was a hard decision and one I have regretted on occasion since his death but I made it for the right reasons. He just had zero parenting skills and was stuck in his own brokenness, shame and guilt and was not a healthy person to have a relationship with. I had a relationship with my father until I was 28. He wouldnt havegrieving a relationship that you wish you wouldve had is probably the hardest thing Ill ever encounter. Spoke with the doctors and his quality of life would have been absolutely horrible at only 48 years old. Call me mercinary or whatever you like but I have had a dad size hole in me my whole life and it has had a profound impact. Here are some classic and beautiful poems about death and g that will always make for welcome reading. I recently had this discussion with my uncle (my mums brother) with whom I have always been quite close. My father and I had a difficult relationship. I'm tired of it all sounding the same, day after day. I really appreciate hearing from everyone as it makes me feel less alone too. We didnt visit, initially through anger but this subsided and then became avoidance. Poem for Dad Who Passed Away. Now what do i do with THAT? By his own doing. I did confront him and did try to have him in my life but I simply couldnt. He probably didnt even know all of my girls names. It is almost as if you dont deserve to grieve. Thank you for putting into words something that is probably more common than I realised! He only lived a few miles away but made a new life with a new family. Death is so final and painful with an estranged parent. Like you, I didnt think I deserved sympathy, or to be at the front during his funeral. For one, a relationship that tanked. When I was told it was already a couple years after death and funeral. I reached out a few times, but there was never a response. I wanted to attend his funeral but logistics didnt allow it (timing, different state, COVID,etc). I did feel like people around me just expected me to get over it and move on and that is not possible. There may even be mixed feelings because others you care about feel sad, while you are not. Growing up I felt awkward talking about my father, like he wasnt really my dad. Even losses from many years ago can again come to the surface of our awareness so that we may fully feel those emotions and deal with what may have been stuffed down or glossed over. is wearing a bolo tie cultural appropriation. When a parent dies, its devastating, right? I find it incredibly hard if not impossible to lower my guard emotionally on an outward level re my dad. Erica x. Wow, what you have written is word perfect to how I feel. He wasnt around to know that Allison is such a fun kid who loves soccer and marching band. You have to do what you feel is right for yourself at the end of the day. I do not want to read a memoir of grieving a father that the author knew, as that just feels offensive! Sign up for Scary Mommy's daily newsletter for more stories from the trenches. It is irrelevant how much money our Dad made. At least Im a good cook and my wife appreciates that I do housework well and without being asked! (It seemed to be a copy and pasted letter sent to each child) this made me so angry, I felt insulted, if felt like an absolute blow fr nowhere that serves to knock me down even more as I had enough to deal without more sabotage from the grave. Knowing that fact released me from regret and guilt about what did or did not occur before he died. Alone in the dark, sometimes in fear, voices from loved . I too was shocked and extremely hurt by people who I thought were friends and the lack of support i have had over the last couple of weeks. Thanks for this opportunity to share my story.. Thank for you posting this. I hope you are able to find peace xx. I havent spoken to him in years. There was no chance for him to express remorse. If people take anything from this article it should be please reach out, Make contact, if you can attend the funeral. Id already been through the grief process with him. I went to go see him. People do not see through it and I suffer inside. Or Id go, but spend the entire time at my aunt and uncles house with my cousins instead. Thank you for sharing Marie. Since, he never told the nursing home to contact me and never listed me as a KIN ill never really know the true reason for his passing. So I guess one day I will find out hes dead but how I dont know I feel like its a double whammy you are a child and have no control over what your parents do but then are made by society to feel guilty that you dont have a relationship. Thank you so much for this post Erica. One may feel sadness as a result of empathy for the mourning of other family members. He coached my pop warner football team and showed me how to be a man as best he could with what little he had to work with, me. 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